“Is there a way to kill yourself without hurting the baby?” I Googled one night.
“Do children of parents who kill themselves have increased risk of depression?” I followed up, thinking about my 3-year-old.
The answer to the first is probably not. The answer to the second is a resounding yes.
This plan, now ruined, was my escape hatch, devised during my second pregnancy. I couldn’t find practitioners who didn’t dismiss my symptoms as “just pregnancy,” and I knew my desolation was affecting my family, so I wrote a letter one night, apologizing for my inadequacy. I did this just in case.
At my first prenatal visit, brimming with morning sickness, I met a peppy midwife. She congratulated me on being pregnant. I wanted to punch her in the head.
I told her I’d never been more miserable in my entire life.